I was never a fan of fairy tales. I dont remember owning a collection of fairytale books during my childhood. I flip the pages, look at the pictures, and that’s it.  I watched lots of  them just because your choices are limited when you’re a kid. I don’t appreciate flowers. I’d rather get a mix-tape than a bouquet of  red roses. I don’t understand the concept of PDA (public display of affection),  I don’t see any reason why such is needed. No, this ain’t a negativity entry. Trust me.

I grew up with a complete family: a dad, a mom, and a love-hate sister. Yes, I have to admit  we’d had issues but my parents were tough enough to win those battles. Growing up with a complete happy family would make one think that I shouldn’t be worrying of having a broken family in the future. It’s not the case here. I have this long struggle with commitment and relationships. I easily freak out when I see signs of possessiveness and intimacy with the guy I just started dating.

I’ve had several failed relationships. Most, if not all, ended with my outmost fear with commitment.  In real life, the girl hates the guy after the breakup. With me, it’s otherwise. When I was younger, my relationship always starts with the now underrated courtship. The guy will bring my bag walking in and out of school, love notes and cards during monthsaries, gifts during birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Everything will be fun but when the guy starts to talk about building our future together, it’ll be a sign that something is about to end.

I’m not good with endings I must admit. I start to give a cold shoulder and wait until the guy eventually gives up on me. I initiate the ending, but first I have to make them hate me. It’s easier to end when there’s hate, at least that’s what I knew. I experienced reading a hate letter. The guy cursing me to death as if I was the worst person that he could ever be with. It still surprises me though that I’m still friends with all of my exes. It’s nice when you can talk anything and everything under the sun without any hesitations, not to mention bitterness. No, I’m no player.  I can still count with my two hands the number of guys that I dated.

I was in college when I started to think that I don’t really need to be with someone to make me feel complete. So I was non-commital for years. I dated, but I didn’t let someone consider me as his girlfriend. I liked the fact that I can be happy with someone without the pressures of responsibilities brought by relationships. And so it goes, relationship after relationship until I met this person who changed everything.

People say that you will meet someone that will make you want to do something you’ve always been afraid for.  Yes, I wanted to commit right there and then. Everything felt so right. But then again people say that there will be a time that someone will come into your life and  teach you a lesson you will never forget.  I’m referring to the same person. The twist to my long battle of being non-commital. I wanted to commit, he didn’t. I was the game, he was the player. Twist of events I must say.  I started to understand why almost all my pasts hated me when I bailed out on them.  I wanted to fix everything. I tried to want to commit to the next succeeding relationships but I think the game was already on me. I started to meet people who used to be me. People who will dump me on the first sign of intimacy. I accepted everything thinking it’s pay back time. I learned the art of letting go. At first it was so hard. Sleepless nights, maxed out credit cards, crying myself to sleep. Name it, I’ve done it. Little did I know that I’m getting good at it. It will just take one day and the next will be a day like nothing happened last night.  Like what some would say, “yesterday ended last night”.

Now, I still feel that I’m ready to commit. At least that’s what i choose to believe in. I still have days when I think that commitment is still not on my side. I have seen a couple friend, who have been together for years, fight over a simple Ocean Park date. I witnessed a guy friend raised his voice in public when he got really pissed of with his girlfriend. I’ve seen a gal pal attempt to commit suicide for a guy who never even knew how she felt. I’ve seen and heard a guy friend cry over his ex-girlfriend who left him for another girl. I’ve seen how some relatives struggle with their married life.  I’ve seen worsts which sometimes makes me think that those are the things that used to freak me out. But I begin to accept that these things are needed to make the relationship stronger.

Everyday doesn’t always have to be a rainy day. I have seen great relationships too. My own best guy friend happily married to a girl who I used to think will never be good enough for him. Another guy friend who decided to stop dating several girls and entered in a relationship which I think is really working because I rarely see him nowadays. And just recently, I’ve attended the very first wedding which made me cry. I remember my friend groom singing his bride’s favorite song. The sweetest gesture I’ve seen in a wedding. I noticed how light and happy they were..lovely couple. 🙂

No. I don’t want to get married just yet. It’s way beyond what I can offer. I’ll take one step, baby step, at a time. Accepting that I too need to commit is already an accomplishment. Let’s see where this may lead me. For now, I’ve to focus on my family who really needs me . I need another blog post for that. 🙂

Note to all my friends: If you happen to think that you and your story were mentioned here, just shut up. No one will know unless you open your big mouth. hahaha iloveyou all. 😀


imgaysoiwannaplay: — Author Unknown


Source: http://www.globalone.tv/profiles/blogs/how-to-treat-others-5-lessons

1. First Important Lesson – “Know The Cleaning Lady” 

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” 

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. 

“Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello.” 

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 

2. Second Important Lesson – “Pickup In The Rain” 

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. 

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. 

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. 

A special note was attached. It read: “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.” 

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. 


3. Third Important Lesson – “Remember Those Who Serve” 

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked. “50¢,” replied the waitress. 

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. 

“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. “35¢!” she brusquely replied. 

The little boy again counted his coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. 

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. 

4. Fourth Important Lesson – “The Obstacles In Our Path” 

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. 

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand – “Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.” 


5. Fifth Important Lesson – “Giving When It Counts” 

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes, I’ll do it if it will save her.” 

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away?”. 

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

eat my tongue

Posted: August 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

When I was a kid, every little thing taught to me could only be categorized into two things, right and wrong. What to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do, what to wear and what not to wear. I could go on enumerating all the things i’ve and i’ve not learned, but it won’t change the fact that it doesn’t stop with the yes and no, the right and wrong, the left and right.

As I was growing, I became conscious of the so-called world. I became eager to learn. I asked a lot, rather, tons of questions. I argued with every person i spoke with. I was groping for terms, for words. I was so thirsty to learn. What’s this and what’s that. The whys, hows, and whos. I made a decision to never stop looking for answers. Cause those answers will represent my principles. Principles which will show my mold.

Up to now, I’m still learning. I still ask questions. I still talk to people. young and old, people i’ve known all my life, people I just met. I’m a believer of puzzles. Every person I get to speak with holds each piece of the puzzle that I’ve been trying to resolve. The puzzle of my principles in life.

For now, I don’t have a concrete list to share but I want to spread the writings of one of the people that I look up to, Paolo Coelho. This man has taught me a lot. All his books that I’ve read made me realize a thing or two.

Declaration of Principles by Paulo Coelho

 1] All men are different. And should do everything possible to continue to be so.

 2] Each human being has been granted two courses of action: that of deed and that of contemplation. Both lead to the same place.

 3] Each human being has been granted two qualities: power and gift. Power drives man to meet his destiny, his gift obliges him to share with others that which is good in him. A man must know when to use his power, and when to use his gift.

4] Each human being has been granted a virtue: the capacity to choose. For he who does not use this virtue, it becomes a curse – and others will always choose for him.

 5] Each human being has the right to two blessings, which are: the blessing to do right, and the blessing to err. In the latter case, there is always a path of learning leading to the right way.

6] Each human being has his own sexual profile, and should exercise it without guilt – provided he does not oblige others to exercise it with him.

 7] Each human being has his own Personal Legend to be fulfilled, and this is the reason he is in the world. The Personal Legend is manifest in his enthusiasm for what he does.

Single paragraph – the Personal Legend may be abandoned for a certain time, provided one does not forget it and returns as soon as possible.

 8] Each man has a feminine side, and each woman has a masculine side. It is necessary to use discipline with intuition, and to use intuition objectively.

 9] Each human being must know two languages: the language of society and the language of the omens. The first serves for communication with others. The second serves to interpret messages from God.

10] Each human being has the right to seek out joy, joy being understood as something which makes one content – not necessarily that which makes others content.

 11] Each human being must keep alight within him the sacred flame of madness. And must behave like a normal person.

 12] The only faults considered grave are the following: not respecting the rights of one’s neighbor, letting oneself be paralyzed by fear, feeling guilty, thinking one does not deserve the good and bad which occurs in life, and being a coward.

Paragraph 1 – we shall love our adversaries, but not make alliances with them. They are placed in our way to test our sword, and deserve the respect of our fight.

Paragraph 2 – we shall choose our adversaries, not the other way around.

13] We hereby declare the end to the wall dividing the sacred from the profane: from now on, all is sacred.

14] Everything which is done in the present, affects the future by consequence, and the past by redemption.

 15] Dispensations to the contrary are herewith revoked.


When Saturn returns

Posted: July 24, 2011 in death, music

Oh well” that was all I could ever utter when an office mate announced in our chat room that Amy Winehouse is dead. Not because I don’t really care, I do love her, but it has never been a surprise to me whenever a big personality, mostly musicians, dies.

And there goes all the speculations about the death. The most popular? I say two most popular, suicide and drug overdose. Most musicians, say rockstars, are really twinned with sex and drugs. Why? I too have been asking the same question for years. Can someone not be called a rockstar if  he has no tattoo or piercings? Or has not taken any drugs? Or has not live the sex-drugs-and-rock-n-roll so-called lifestyle? It’s always up to the person to drop all the boo-boos and live his life the way he wants it.

Life is always a choice. Decision is a choice. Your future is your choice. Your destiny is your choice. Dying young or growing old is a choice. The way you execute your choice is also a choice. 🙂

Here are some personalities who died young. mostly at the age of 27.

Jimi Hendrix

Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones

Janis Joplin of  Big Brother and the Holding Company

Jim Morrison of The Doors

Kurt Cobain of Nirvana

Edie Sedgwick (socialite turned model). If you wanna know her story, watch ‘Factory Girl’

Kristen Pfaff  of Hole

and the most recent, Amy Winehouse. I will always love the weirdo you.

 What a way to start a new blog! Death. But hey, there’s life after death right?

I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” – Jimi Hendrix