I was never a fan of fairy tales. I dont remember owning a collection of fairytale books during my childhood. I flip the pages, look at the pictures, and that’s it. I watched lots of them just because your choices are limited when you’re a kid. I don’t appreciate flowers. I’d rather get a mix-tape than a bouquet of red roses. I don’t understand the concept of PDA (public display of affection), I don’t see any reason why such is needed. No, this ain’t a negativity entry. Trust me.
I grew up with a complete family: a dad, a mom, and a love-hate sister. Yes, I have to admit we’d had issues but my parents were tough enough to win those battles. Growing up with a complete happy family would make one think that I shouldn’t be worrying of having a broken family in the future. It’s not the case here. I have this long struggle with commitment and relationships. I easily freak out when I see signs of possessiveness and intimacy with the guy I just started dating.
I’ve had several failed relationships. Most, if not all, ended with my outmost fear with commitment. In real life, the girl hates the guy after the breakup. With me, it’s otherwise. When I was younger, my relationship always starts with the now underrated courtship. The guy will bring my bag walking in and out of school, love notes and cards during monthsaries, gifts during birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Everything will be fun but when the guy starts to talk about building our future together, it’ll be a sign that something is about to end.
I’m not good with endings I must admit. I start to give a cold shoulder and wait until the guy eventually gives up on me. I initiate the ending, but first I have to make them hate me. It’s easier to end when there’s hate, at least that’s what I knew. I experienced reading a hate letter. The guy cursing me to death as if I was the worst person that he could ever be with. It still surprises me though that I’m still friends with all of my exes. It’s nice when you can talk anything and everything under the sun without any hesitations, not to mention bitterness. No, I’m no player. I can still count with my two hands the number of guys that I dated.
I was in college when I started to think that I don’t really need to be with someone to make me feel complete. So I was non-commital for years. I dated, but I didn’t let someone consider me as his girlfriend. I liked the fact that I can be happy with someone without the pressures of responsibilities brought by relationships. And so it goes, relationship after relationship until I met this person who changed everything.
People say that you will meet someone that will make you want to do something you’ve always been afraid for. Yes, I wanted to commit right there and then. Everything felt so right. But then again people say that there will be a time that someone will come into your life and teach you a lesson you will never forget. I’m referring to the same person. The twist to my long battle of being non-commital. I wanted to commit, he didn’t. I was the game, he was the player. Twist of events I must say. I started to understand why almost all my pasts hated me when I bailed out on them. I wanted to fix everything. I tried to want to commit to the next succeeding relationships but I think the game was already on me. I started to meet people who used to be me. People who will dump me on the first sign of intimacy. I accepted everything thinking it’s pay back time. I learned the art of letting go. At first it was so hard. Sleepless nights, maxed out credit cards, crying myself to sleep. Name it, I’ve done it. Little did I know that I’m getting good at it. It will just take one day and the next will be a day like nothing happened last night. Like what some would say, “yesterday ended last night”.
Now, I still feel that I’m ready to commit. At least that’s what i choose to believe in. I still have days when I think that commitment is still not on my side. I have seen a couple friend, who have been together for years, fight over a simple Ocean Park date. I witnessed a guy friend raised his voice in public when he got really pissed of with his girlfriend. I’ve seen a gal pal attempt to commit suicide for a guy who never even knew how she felt. I’ve seen and heard a guy friend cry over his ex-girlfriend who left him for another girl. I’ve seen how some relatives struggle with their married life. I’ve seen worsts which sometimes makes me think that those are the things that used to freak me out. But I begin to accept that these things are needed to make the relationship stronger.
Everyday doesn’t always have to be a rainy day. I have seen great relationships too. My own best guy friend happily married to a girl who I used to think will never be good enough for him. Another guy friend who decided to stop dating several girls and entered in a relationship which I think is really working because I rarely see him nowadays. And just recently, I’ve attended the very first wedding which made me cry. I remember my friend groom singing his bride’s favorite song. The sweetest gesture I’ve seen in a wedding. I noticed how light and happy they were..lovely couple. 🙂
No. I don’t want to get married just yet. It’s way beyond what I can offer. I’ll take one step, baby step, at a time. Accepting that I too need to commit is already an accomplishment. Let’s see where this may lead me. For now, I’ve to focus on my family who really needs me . I need another blog post for that. 🙂
Note to all my friends: If you happen to think that you and your story were mentioned here, just shut up. No one will know unless you open your big mouth. hahaha iloveyou all. 😀